Let me tell you about a little experiment that gave me a mild ego boost and three back-to-back identity meltdowns: cold outreach.
Yes, that kind of outreach—the one where you send an email to someone who didn’t ask for it and pray it doesn’t end up in their trash folder (or worse, forwarded to a group chat titled “People Who Should Be Banned from the Internet.”)
But I did it anyway. Like a fool. A bold, metrics-obsessed fool.
And guess what?
- 40% open rate
- 12% reply rate
- 3 replies that felt like punches to the gut
- One client, one podcast invite, and one person who said “you’re actually funny”
So yeah, it worked.
Here’s how it went down. And yes, I’m giving you the exact template. But first, let’s talk about what didn’t work.
Outreach Is Just Rejection With Extra Steps
Before I show you the golden email, let’s acknowledge the cold, spammy elephant in the room:
Cold outreach makes you feel gross.
You’re basically walking up to a stranger, whispering something overly rehearsed, and hoping they don’t mace you with an unsubscribe link.
Every time I hit send, I thought:
“What if they screenshot this and post it on LinkedIn with a caption like ‘THIS is what’s wrong with digital marketing’?”
So I made a deal with myself: I’m only allowed to send cold emails that sound like I wrote them on three hours of sleep and too much espresso.
In other words: they had to sound human. Or at least funny.
The Subject Line That Got Me Opened (and Judged)
Here’s what I used:
“I swear this isn’t spam (but also… kinda)”
Yes. That was the real subject line. And no, Gmail didn’t smite me on the spot.
It worked because it:
- Broke the pattern
- Sounded like a human with self-awareness
- Set the tone for what was inside (chaos, clarity, and a pitch without the pitchfork)
The Cold Email Template (a.k.a. The One That Gave Me Life and Anxiety)
Let’s get to the good stuff. Here’s what I sent:
Subject: I swear this isn’t spam (but also… kinda)
Hey [FirstName],
I’ll keep this short and only mildly weird.
I saw your recent post about [insert relevant thing] and immediately thought: “Yep. That’s someone I could help make internet magic with.”
Here’s the deal:
I help [type of business] turn confusing content into conversions, using SEO, brand voice, and a bit of internet sorcery.
Clients usually say things like:
- “I didn’t know content could actually sound like me”
- “Why is my Google traffic suddenly alive?”
- “Did you write that meme too?” (Yes.)
If you ever want to see what that might look like for your brand, I’ll send you a mini strategy teardown—no pitch, just vibes and value.
Or ignore this and I’ll spiral in peace. Your call.
Either way, cool brand. Cool work. No shade.
—Alex
👉 websearchoptimisation.com
Yes, I wrote this email myself. You can tell because there’s no fake “Sent from my iPhone” signature.
Let’s Break This Down Like I’m Your Outreach Therapist
Short and casual
Nobody wants to read an email that feels like homework. Keep it under 150 words if you can.
Relevant opening
Not fake personalization. Real “I read your stuff and had an actual thought.”
Offer without pressure
No links. No scheduling. Just “I can help, no strings.” It works because people don’t like feeling trapped in a funnel.
Humor that doesn’t try too hard
This isn’t stand-up comedy. But a little smirk-worthy line goes a long way in a sea of robotic cold emails.
Exit ramp
“Or ignore this and I’ll spiral in peace.” = an emotionally stable way to say “I get it if you ghost me.”
But Let’s Talk About the Existential Crises
Cold outreach teaches you things. Mostly about yourself. Mostly against your will.
- You will question your worth after sending 10 emails and hearing crickets.
- You will overanalyze every word of your email like it’s a breakup text.
- You will get one snarky reply that makes you rethink your career, haircut, and entire online presence.
But you’ll also learn:
- That humans like humans
- That being helpful works better than being persuasive
- That weird wins
And maybe you’ll get a client out of it. Or a podcast. Or at the very least, a good story.
Final Words (and Then You Can Go Panic Send)
Cold outreach isn’t gross. You are not a scammer.
You’re a person who knows stuff and wants to help people who need that stuff.
Just don’t sound like a soulless chatbot in a cheap blazer.
If you want this template (and a few others I use to land clients without begging), you can:
Or just hire me to write yours.